It’s been a rough week. Of spending too much time with my mattress and comforter.
I’ve been working with my psychiatrist to address my lethargy, a symptom of depression that can be taken care of with medication. However, it can take some time and a few rounds of trial-and-error to determine what works.
A few weeks ago I started the process of taking one of my meds at a different time of day – with the hope that it would do the trick and get my body on a more energetic track. It didn’t. and that’s when it started – the gentle. relentless. pulling of the egyptian cotton undertow.
Then I ran out of my other medication and failed to refill it in a timely manner. I know, I know. I could rattle off excuses as to why with arduous conviction here. But I won’t. It was stupid. and irresponsible. and I know better. Otherwise, THIS. a week of malaise mummification. a dipping down and away from movement. activity. society. me.
Feeling better can seem a mirage when a significant part of the ‘feeling better’ part comes in the form of a pill. “I’ve been great! SO much better. I don’t think I need these meds anymore.” Thing is. you must take this/these pill(s) to conjure the ‘feeling better’ part. And take the magic beans regularly to continue this oh-so-wonderful and easily-taken-for-granted state of being – the state of feeling OK. Seems simple enough. and it is. But once you allow yourself to slide into the slow ascent, the idiosyncratic task of refilling a prescription becomes a daunting and gargantuan box to check.
Dealing with the systemic repercussions of not complying to a drug prescription regimen is jumping into the maw of quicksand. it’s a slow and steady swallow. and the journey back tends to drag an anvil with it. on which shame and other modes of self-deprecation are forged. by you.
Dear lord. that is not a pretty picture I want to Mary Poppins-jump my way into. I can take better care of myself than that. And I will.
Note to self: I am never *ever* too tired nor busy to REFILL MY RX.
This is a song I wrote about mental illness. It seemed apropos to include here. and a shameless opportunity to share with you. one of the things I love to do. When I’m taking care of myself.
Song written, performed, and recorded by o.dawn.i Wednesday, January 9th, 2013.
Photo made by o.dawn.i Monday, May 24th, 2010.